It is becoming more and more clear to me that breastfeeding is just not for me -- or at least not this time round...or last time either. I have spent the last two weeks working extremely hard to increase my milk supply by round the clock pumping (every 2-3 hours, 4 hours at night) and taking fenugreek supplements (9 per day). During this time I have done very little actual nursing simply because I was not willing to spend the time nursing, giving bottles (which I had to do after every nursing session), and then pumping, but I did make sure to nurse a few times a day, simply to keep the memory alive for Meira so she wouldn't forget how to do it (and she hasn't).
And after weeks of hard work -- MAGIC -- my supply is up! I produce enough milk to provide full bottles of breast milk for Meira all day and into part of the night! Mission accomplished!
Today I decided to go on a nurse-a-thon and try and give Meira my breast milk through more traditional means -- the breast instead of the bottle. Once again, she fell asleep every couple of minutes or stayed on the breast for hours, oftentimes getting frustrated and bouncing on and off the boob. For about 4 exhausting, nap-free hours I let her nurse on demand, but she never seemed to adequately drain my breasts -- yes, after hours of almost non-stop feeding, I was still dripping milk and she was still not satisfied. When I had had enough, I gave Meira a bottle of pumped milk, and she drank the whole thing.
According to my lactation consultant who watched Meira latch on and feed, she (and I) are doing everything right.
Yet it certainly doesn't feel that way.
Breastfeeding has become something that I dread. When Meira starts to stir after sleeping for a while, my first feelings are of dread -- oh no, time to put her back on the boob.
Not quite the feelings you want to have towards your precious 1-month-old.
So, to sum up, breastfeeding is not for ne, or for us.
That being said, I am still committed, at least for a little while longer (until I begin to dread that too), to provide breast milk for my baby. I have worked so hard to increase my milk supply that it would be a shame to let it dry up now. And the oddest part of this whole thing, is that I totally don't mind pumping. In fact, I sort of enjoy it. It's a quiet, meditative time during which I get to close the door, read or watch TV, and just relax.
Plus, the benefit of pumping (in addition to providing free milk for my baby) is that I still have the option of breastfeeding a) if I change my mind (again) and b) as quick comfort to Meira. It is certainly a nice tool to use when she's screaming and nothing else calms her down.
(P.S. Have I mentioned that my angel baby has turned into a bit of an afternoon/evening colicky baby? We still love her.)
Whenever I hear of people exclusively pumping, I think they are absolutely insane. Please feel free to feel the same way about me...at least while this lasts.
Okay...back to the pump I go!
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